Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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