So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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