A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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