Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
