she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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