He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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