Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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