just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
