I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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