Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
