she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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