It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
