I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
