I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
