quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
