So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
