I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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