I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
