i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
