I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
