Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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