Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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