put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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