WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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