Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
