my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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