party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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