dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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