Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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