Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
