There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
