im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
