The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
