using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
