If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
