you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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