You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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