I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
