I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's blow job season.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
