She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just want nice things and good sex
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
