Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
