I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
