guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
