just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
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Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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