he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
