i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
