I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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