There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
