I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
