so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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