Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
