so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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