i need an iv and a liver transplant
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
