I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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