That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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