They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
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so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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