i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
