I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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