Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
