Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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