remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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