Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
