did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
